When I first started out with all of this “spirituality” I was probably the least likely candidate for it. I was a humorless, serious about school History major. I had a best friend who would tell me about her astral projection travels and spirit guides and psychics but the level of interest I had in that was about the same as Trump’s in rational thinking. In other words, it was some fantasy stuff that wasn’t real. But eventually, my depression went from high functioning to low functioning. It was getting worse to the point that no psychiatrist or counselor made any dent on it. Desperate, I took a trip to Thailand the land of smiles, peace and Buddhism.
Usually, one thinks a trip like that would change my life and eradicate any lingering sadness, but instead I left with a skin infection I still have to this day, and huge thirsting knowledge for extreme asceticism.
As soon as I got home, I spent all my time working on chakras, healing work and being happy all the time. Unfortunately, this developed into a healing addiction, and I became emotionally and mentally worse. I dreaded doing inner work. I thought it meant I thought being spiritual meant never getting angry, and always being happy no matter what. I supressed all my “negative” emotions to the point that my health suffered severely. But I kept going trying to find every single flaw in me and fixing it. All my energy went to trying to become so zen and enlightened I alienated everyone around me and crawled into a deep whole of self hatred that could only be cured by getting happier. My life, essentially became worse once I discovered spirituality , I basically developed an emotional orthorexia that made me wish I was back to when I could read horror novels without feeling bad, or I could simply let myself feel sad and cry when my friend and I got in a fight. Suddenly, I had way too much of this and it wasn’t until I ditched all my rubbish texts and ascetism that I could finally connect with myself. With the help of some Teal Swan and Jeff Foster teachings of deep acceptance, I finally got on the healing path away from my “healing path”. It took years for me to recover from the perfectionism in everything (I still am working on it!)
I later looked into an alternative path, Wicca. Witchcraft and paganism was a HUGE breath of fresh air for me, as it allowed ambiguity and dealt with controlling the elements and setting intentions rather than your emotions. From there I got into the world of psychic abilities an mediumship, and practiced them for a little bit, relishing every second of this new world!
You know, if I had told my younger self that I would be having claircognizant and clairvoyant abilities, a greek God was my main sprit guide (oh and I would get to meet him) and all the “magic” stuff was real, I would have been burst out of the house and kicked my all my neighbor’s mailboxes or something, out of excitement. Then I would have not slept or eaten for days, high on the adrenaline. As a grown woman, I reacted the same way, minus the mailbox.
Unfortunately though, I had a deeply embedded belief that “all that is good and makes me happy will not last”. I was so sure that my ability to see images, and just know things about people, as well as my talents with scrying and communicating with gods and goddesses were going to go away. It was too good to be true. And it did happen, they suddenly left me and I was left mourning and saddened. But most of all I was angry, and I completely shut out this world, mad at myself for thinking I could have been “special” enough for it.
After a year or so of drastic life changes, I moved back to my home country of Ecuador, and into the city of Quito, where I was and (still am!) deliriously happy! I got a place in the colonial center, and started fashion school. Plus I reconnected with my family and friends. The problems was though, something was missing. I called Christine Pavlina (a highly gifted and accurate medium) and gave one last and final attempt on this “spiritual thing” not that I didn’t believe in spirit guides, psychic powers and mediumship, I just sour graped them out of my life.
So to my complete shock and surprise, I was told that I one of my life paths was in professional intuition! Given that she was incredibly spot on everything else , my entire perspective altered.
I always knew I wanted to continue this, but that was the ultimate confirmation that I did have a gift for it!
So the credits roll with deer baking me macaroons while I dance into the sunset of certainty….
The panicky thoughts crept in a couple days later, oh f*** I though to myself. Now I’m going to have to be spiritually perfect. Oh god, Ive Im not nice enough…. what if I get angry sometimes…
See my monkey brain was making me think that first I must become spiritually perfect before the other side would want anything to do with me, I can never curse ever again, or be jealous or think a single negative thought…. I might as well just give up on this thing…
I heard a career in accounting has decent benefits?…
But surely that cannot be. I realized I have an extra deceptive ego/darkness that masks himself as the enlightened know it all guru who mercilessly targets anything “unspiritual” about me. And so this time, I am firing him from the sequel. Adios you ignorant loser!
So now I’m getting on the director, producer and main actress role. So if this blog will be anything, it will be authentic. It will chronicle my quest as I connect with the other side on my soul’s terms, and study and learn all the magic my brain can absorb…
through all the cuts, retakes, me occasionally storming off set, and of course having fun with my amazing group of cast mates and making a damn good movie.
ps that’s a picture of me in Cairo.